whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
You get 5 min
Your time limits don't scare me, I'll include foreplay and redressing in that 5 min. If you wanted to challenge me you should say you got an hour, id be scared then and more creative.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
