So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
What do you think she thinks of us?
I think she thinks we're whores... but ya I think she likes us
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Randomize
