It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
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