proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
Crop dusting thru forever 21
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