she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
I can't put those talents on a resume
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
