theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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