Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
Randomize