I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Randomize
