As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
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