When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
I will be naked everywhere
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
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