He said he was just looking at my pictures and was thinking about how he wanted to cut my hair..then dye it black and put platnium blonde extensions throughout it and layer my hair
That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Randomize
