can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Randomize
