corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Randomize