You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
