Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
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