he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
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