Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
Randomize
