In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
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