I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Randomize
