She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
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