First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Randomize
