I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
Randomize
