I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
babies were throwing up all over the place
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
