it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Randomize
