mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
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