If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
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