My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
