dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
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