I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
Damn I can't remmbre the last tome I had sobr sex
Um. I believe with my boyfriend, slut
Fuck. Wron person. But yea
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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