I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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