Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
