sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
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