The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
