so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
