Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
There's a naked man in my car right now.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
She made me pour olive oil on her.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Randomize
