You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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