Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
Randomize
