i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
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