I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
Randomize
