he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
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