1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Randomize
