we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Randomize
