Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Randomize
