the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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