My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
