Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
