Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
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