Cool, see you soon... she just admitted to her friends that it was a queef.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
