i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
I wish they made helmets for livers.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
