So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
