i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
