dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Randomize
