we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Randomize
