dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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