last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
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