i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Randomize
