3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
