My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize
