she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
i used baking grease as lip gloss
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
Randomize
