Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
